What to Know Before Attending a Funeral in Japan for the First Time

If you are living in Japan, whether with family or for work, there is a possibility that you may be asked to attend the funeral of someone you know. When faced with a Japanese funeral, where cultural and religious practices differ from those in Indonesia, what exactly should you prepare? And what kind of clothing is appropriate to wear?

In this article, I will introduce the general process of funerals in Japan, along with what attendees should prepare when coming to pay their respects.

Table of Contents

Schedule of the Wake and Funeral

First, I will explain the general process of funerals commonly carried out in Japan. Most Japanese funerals follow a Buddhist system, or are conducted in a non religious manner that still draws heavily from Buddhist customs. There are, of course, many other variations depending on the religion and the wishes of the deceased.

The funeral process is typically carried out in the following order:

1. The family and close relatives of the deceased announce the passing and inform others of the time and location of the funeral.
2. The wake is held either at the funeral venue or at the home of the deceased.
3. The farewell ceremony and funeral service take place at the funeral venue or at the home of the deceased.
4. The coffin is transported to the crematorium.
5. The cremated remains are placed into an urn.

Note: Before and after the cremation, it is common for meals to be shared among close relatives.

In principle, the wake is divided into two parts. The first, called “karitsuya,” is reserved for family members, while the second, known as “tsuya,” is intended for guests who come to offer condolences. These are typically held on the night of the passing and the following evening. However, in recent years, it has become more common for both to be conducted together. In addition, some regions still maintain their own unique customs, so it is advisable to confirm the details with people around you.

The funeral service itself is conducted according to religious traditions, while the farewell ceremony functions more as a non religious occasion for saying goodbye. In the past, these were held separately, but today they are usually combined. If your relationship with the deceased or their family is not particularly close, it is perfectly acceptable to attend either the funeral or the wake, rather than both.

Preparing a Condolence Offering

Typical Amounts for Condolence Money

When attending a wake or funeral in Japan, it is customary to bring a condolence offering known as “kouden.” This contribution is a gesture of sympathy and support for the bereaved family. The amount given varies depending on your relationship with the deceased, as well as factors such as age and social standing. Below is a general guideline, particularly relevant for foreigners working in Japan or those living there after marrying a Japanese partner:

• Parents of your spouse: 50,000 to 100,000 yen.
• Siblings of your spouse: 30,000 to 50,000 yen.
• Extended family members such as cousins: 5,000 to 10,000 yen.

If you were especially close, 10,000 yen is appropriate.

• Friends or acquaintances: 3,000 to 10,000 yen.

If you had a close relationship, 10,000 yen is recommended.

• Neighbors: 3,000 to 10,000 yen.

In some communities, local associations may determine a standard contribution amount.

• Superiors: 5,000 to 10,000 yen.
• Colleagues of the same level, subordinates, or former superiors: around 5,000 yen.

For workplace relationships, it is advisable to consult your company’s labor union or internal guidelines.

Avoid offering an amount that exceeds what your superior gives.

The Envelope Used for Condolence Offerings

Condolence money is placed in a special envelope. The design of this envelope varies depending on the type of funeral being conducted, whether it follows Buddhist, Shinto, Christian, or other traditions. Therefore, the first step is to confirm the religious or ceremonial format of the funeral. If this information is not clearly provided, you may politely ask the family of the deceased or other attendees.

Once you have identified the appropriate funeral style, prepare an envelope that matches the occasion. For Buddhist funerals, which are the most common in Japan, you should choose a white envelope tied with a mizuhiki cord in black and white, or sometimes gold.

1. If you are giving around 5,000 yen for a friend or workplace colleague, a simple envelope with a printed mizuhiki design is sufficient.
2. If your contribution exceeds 10,000 yen, you should use a formal condolence envelope that is tied with an actual mizuhiki cord.

In addition to the envelope design and the amount of money, there are several important etiquette rules associated with giving condolence offerings.

1. Avoid giving brand new banknotes. Instead, use money that appears to have been circulated, as this reflects the idea that the death was not anticipated or prepared for in advance.
2. Pay attention to how the bills are folded, and avoid preparing an even number of banknotes.
3. Be mindful of the direction in which the money is placed inside the envelope.
4. Take care when writing on both the front and back of the envelope, including what information to include and how to present it.
5. Use the appropriate type of pen when writing on the envelope.

Even many Japanese people need to double check these finer details, as they can be quite particular. For this reason, it is advisable to seek guidance from trusted relatives, colleagues, or friends. You will also need to write your name and address on the envelope. If you are not confident in your handwriting, it is perfectly acceptable to ask someone else to write it on your behalf.

Appropriate Attire for Funerals

Men: Wearing a Black Suit

Black clothing is the most common choice for men attending a wake or funeral in Japan, with the exception of specific ceremonial roles or the head of the family organizing the funeral. However, the black suit in this context is not the standard business suit worn to work. Instead, it should be a formal suit of higher quality, often made from wool or similar refined materials.

• If you are attending a family only wake known as “karitsuya,” avoid overly casual clothing even if you are in a hurry. A dark suit may be acceptable, but more formal attire is strongly recommended.
• If you do not already own suitable attire, you may consider purchasing or renting it. If you plan to live in Japan long term, it is advisable to have at least one set of formal clothing for such occasions.

In addition to the black suit, the standard outfit includes the following:

• A white dress shirt.
• A plain black tie that is not flashy.
• A black handbag or formal bag.
• Simple black leather shoes that do not stand out.
• Plain black socks.
• A white handkerchief.

You should avoid wearing belts or shoes made from the leather of wild hunted animals. In addition, refrain from wearing eye catching watches or accessories of any kind, except for a wedding ring.

Women: Wearing a Black Suit or Dress

Women, aside from the head of the family organizing the funeral, typically wear a formal black suit. For a family only wake, wearing a dark colored suit is also acceptable.

• As long as the attire is formal, has sleeves, and covers the knees, it is acceptable to wear either a dress or a combination of a top and skirt.
• In recent years, there are also formal outfits specifically designed for mourning and condolence visits. If you have appropriate ideas for undergarments or subtle accessories, they may be incorporated appropriately.

Additional guidelines for women include:

• Wear plain black stockings and simple black shoes.
• Accessories are generally not necessary. However, you may wear pearl earrings or a necklace in black or white.
• Long hair should be neatly tied back, preferably with black hair accessories.

Conclusion

The fundamental principles to keep in mind when attending a funeral in Japan are “black,” “simple,” and “natural.” These three elements serve as the foundation for both appearance and conduct, reflecting respect for the solemn nature of the occasion.

There are also several additional points to consider:

• Avoid wearing perfume or using hair products with strong scents.
• Keep makeup natural and understated.
• Choose clear or beige nail polish, rather than bold colors.
• If you need to bring an umbrella, opt for a plain black or gray one, or a transparent vinyl umbrella.

By observing these basic guidelines, you present yourself in a way that is calm, respectful, and appropriate to the setting. In moments of mourning, subtlety speaks louder than expression, and simplicity becomes a quiet form of compassion toward those who are grieving.